It is a matter of perspective

So John and I were at one of Tulsa’s elementary schools for Boys Council last Wednesday. We had seven little boys ages 8 through 10. We had them for an hour and a half and I was exhausted by the end of the session. I am convinced that children get all of their energy zapping it from the adults around them. For an hour and a half the boys were kicking, pushing, and shoving each other, and sitting on the tables. (At least they weren’t standing on the tables.) The first week the boys came up with a list of expectations for the group. Number three is about personal space. Not working! The theme for the day was connecting with each other. They definitely connected, just not what we had in mind. At one point, John passed out magazines and scissors and told the boys to find a picture to cut out and then we were going to share with each other why we choose the picture. I was out of the room when he did this. I was going after ice for one of the boy’s jaw that got hit during a game that went well for the first 30 seconds and then disintegrated into mayhem. Anyway, by the time I got back, the boys had torn the magazines to shreds and were using the scissors as swords.

When the very long hour and a half was over we took the boys out to meet their caregivers. The counselor who set this group up for us exclaimed, “Oh my, I didn’t realize you had all of those boys.” What she didn’t say (but what I surmised from conversations I had with the boys) was that each of these boys spends more time in the principal’s office than they do in their classrooms.

The good news in all of this? John is going to a training in New Jersey on Tuesday and he is going to learn how to keep these boys from killing each other. The bad news? He is going to be gone on Wednesday which means unless we hire someone by then I’ll have these little guys all by myself this week. I am praying for a foot of snow.

Now to the book that I read last week, S’more than Camp— A guide for camp counselors and the rest of the world about kids, camp, and working with each other by Scott Arizala. Scott has a lot of good ideas about interacting with children. It’s not as organized a book as I would like and I have to keep going back over it but no matter what page I choose there are words of wisdom. For example page 80. “Don’t talk about the rules. Ask about what we should be doing; ask what we should remember or what the rules are; ask why or how come; restate everything in the positive.” For example: me--"What are you suppose to doing?" boy: "Not hitting Tommy." me--"Right, we are suppose to give each other their personal space. What guideline is that?" boy--"Number three." Me--"exactly. Why do we have guideline number 3?" boy--"So no one gets hurt." Me--"I wonder what you could do to help you remember to give Tommy his personal space..." As you can see, this takes alot more energy than saying "You are breaking rule number three. Stop hitting Tommy and go sit in the chair," but it can be much more effective and it teaches them problem solving and helps them become internally motivated instead of externally motivated.

The overall theme of the book is “meet kids where they are. Work to gain their perspective and respect what they think, feel and say.”

I forget this a lot. It is easy to remember when I am reading the book but when I have seven boys kicking and pushing I forget to think of their perspective, what is going on in their lives. As one of the boys was getting into his car, the counselor explained that his dad is in prison and mom is in jail awaiting trial. Grandma just recently died so he is living with an uncle.

Each one of our boys has a similar story. It helps me when I remember their perspective. The boys may act up every time we are together, but there is a reason for it. They feel as though they have no control over their lives and for the most part they are right. They are trying to gain some control somewhere and pushing and shoving makes them feel a little in control of something.

I might not be able to do anything about their behavior but maybe it is enough just to show up every week. Maybe it is enough to be one positive adult in their lives who doesn’t abandom them through incarceration or death. I can continue to learn behavior management, but meanwhile I’ll try just to be present and patient; to listen and learn what their perspective is and maybe help them find positive ways to control a piece of their life.