For my followers, I have started a second blog reviewing movies. Don't miss it at www.moviereviewsbyjudy.blogspot.com
Judy
Monday, February 15, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
What does it mean to "give up?"
The book I am reviewing tonight is called raise them up: the real deal on reaching the unreachable kids by Kareem Moody. This is a very short book, easy to read and I read it in a couple of hours. I didn't get it off my shelf; my program director, Heather, ordered some books from Amazon and they came to the office addressed to New Hope so I opened them. The author has no special credentials other than he has worked with difficult kids for a long time and was one when he was growing up.
Mr. Moody first talks about the 40 assets that the Search Institute has identified that are building blocks of healthy development that help young people grow up healthy, caring and responsible. I considered listing all 40 assets here but it might resemble too closely Bill's telephone book list. So if you want to know what they are you can go to http://oglecenter.ius.edu/pdf/40DevelopmentalAssets.pdf .
Though I think there is merit to these assets, experts tell us that we can't remember more than seven things at one time. That is why phone numbers are seven digits. But now we don't even have to remember seven digits as long as the number is in our cell phone and we don't lose it or as I have done twice now, soak it in water. The first time I soaked my phone in water was when it fell into the toilet. The second time was when we were making a vampire movie with the kids at camp and I was being drug into the lake by a vampire or maybe I was going into the lake to save someone who turned out to be a vampire. Anyway my phone was in my pocket. But I am digressing. I don’t like the assets because I can’t remember them.
I like the five promises that all children need to become successful adults as determined by America’s Promise Alliance because I can remember them: Positive adults, effective education, healthy development, safe places with constructive use of time and an opportunity make a difference by helping others. And it seems to me that you could place each of the 40 assets into one of the five promises. When I discovered the five promises a few years back, it really made a difference. I finally have a focus. I am finally able to say what we are about. Each program we offer, each activity a child is involved in, provides at least three of the five promises children need to become successful adults.
For example, the kids in our service club fed homeless people at a soup kitchen on Friday. There were positive adults who assisted them and made sure they were safe; they were definitely receiving an effective education; and they were making a difference by helping others. Five promises are easier to remember than 40 assets but I’ll look over the list from time to time and see what our kids need that we might be able to help with.
Though this blog is getting kind of long (I could break it into two blogs thus improving my standing in the competition) but I think I’ll just make the other point from this book that I want to make. Mr. Moody says that you should never give up on a child. This is something we continue to struggle with at camp. There are some who think we should never send a child home no matter what they do. Others of us feel like if we don’t send the most difficult children home, then the “easy” children don’t get the attention they deserve. I am on the fence. I understand both arguments. The most difficult children fail at everything and they expect to fail when they come to camp. If we can keep them all week, they have a needed success in their life. But it does take a lot of time and energy to keep these children at camp and perhaps 75 percent of our time is spent on 10 percent of the children. Is that fair to the rest of them? Do they think they have to act up to get our attention?
I think I might be missing the point. Sending a child home from camp does not necessarily equate to giving up on them. Summer camp may just not be the place for them to be or perhaps the time is just not right. Two years ago I had to send a girl home for threatening another girl. Last summer I met with her before camp and laid out the conditions for her coming back. Of course, I tried to listen and ask her what she thought the problem was. But she did come back to camp and she made it through the week. Her behavior was much improved from the year before.
I was talking to a great-grandmother yesterday whose great grandson was sent home last summer and she was telling me he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to come to camp this summer. My response, “of course he can come back.” Perhaps ignoring his behavior and letting him stay at camp would have been giving up on him. Perhaps expecting and requiring decent behavior is how we don’t give up on him. I have to say that some of my best conversations with the children are on the way home when they get my full attention, and they know that I still care.
Mr. Moody first talks about the 40 assets that the Search Institute has identified that are building blocks of healthy development that help young people grow up healthy, caring and responsible. I considered listing all 40 assets here but it might resemble too closely Bill's telephone book list. So if you want to know what they are you can go to http://oglecenter.ius.edu/pdf/40DevelopmentalAssets.pdf .
Though I think there is merit to these assets, experts tell us that we can't remember more than seven things at one time. That is why phone numbers are seven digits. But now we don't even have to remember seven digits as long as the number is in our cell phone and we don't lose it or as I have done twice now, soak it in water. The first time I soaked my phone in water was when it fell into the toilet. The second time was when we were making a vampire movie with the kids at camp and I was being drug into the lake by a vampire or maybe I was going into the lake to save someone who turned out to be a vampire. Anyway my phone was in my pocket. But I am digressing. I don’t like the assets because I can’t remember them.
I like the five promises that all children need to become successful adults as determined by America’s Promise Alliance because I can remember them: Positive adults, effective education, healthy development, safe places with constructive use of time and an opportunity make a difference by helping others. And it seems to me that you could place each of the 40 assets into one of the five promises. When I discovered the five promises a few years back, it really made a difference. I finally have a focus. I am finally able to say what we are about. Each program we offer, each activity a child is involved in, provides at least three of the five promises children need to become successful adults.
For example, the kids in our service club fed homeless people at a soup kitchen on Friday. There were positive adults who assisted them and made sure they were safe; they were definitely receiving an effective education; and they were making a difference by helping others. Five promises are easier to remember than 40 assets but I’ll look over the list from time to time and see what our kids need that we might be able to help with.
Though this blog is getting kind of long (I could break it into two blogs thus improving my standing in the competition) but I think I’ll just make the other point from this book that I want to make. Mr. Moody says that you should never give up on a child. This is something we continue to struggle with at camp. There are some who think we should never send a child home no matter what they do. Others of us feel like if we don’t send the most difficult children home, then the “easy” children don’t get the attention they deserve. I am on the fence. I understand both arguments. The most difficult children fail at everything and they expect to fail when they come to camp. If we can keep them all week, they have a needed success in their life. But it does take a lot of time and energy to keep these children at camp and perhaps 75 percent of our time is spent on 10 percent of the children. Is that fair to the rest of them? Do they think they have to act up to get our attention?
I think I might be missing the point. Sending a child home from camp does not necessarily equate to giving up on them. Summer camp may just not be the place for them to be or perhaps the time is just not right. Two years ago I had to send a girl home for threatening another girl. Last summer I met with her before camp and laid out the conditions for her coming back. Of course, I tried to listen and ask her what she thought the problem was. But she did come back to camp and she made it through the week. Her behavior was much improved from the year before.
I was talking to a great-grandmother yesterday whose great grandson was sent home last summer and she was telling me he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to come to camp this summer. My response, “of course he can come back.” Perhaps ignoring his behavior and letting him stay at camp would have been giving up on him. Perhaps expecting and requiring decent behavior is how we don’t give up on him. I have to say that some of my best conversations with the children are on the way home when they get my full attention, and they know that I still care.
Monday, February 8, 2010
It is a matter of perspective
So John and I were at one of Tulsa’s elementary schools for Boys Council last Wednesday. We had seven little boys ages 8 through 10. We had them for an hour and a half and I was exhausted by the end of the session. I am convinced that children get all of their energy zapping it from the adults around them. For an hour and a half the boys were kicking, pushing, and shoving each other, and sitting on the tables. (At least they weren’t standing on the tables.) The first week the boys came up with a list of expectations for the group. Number three is about personal space. Not working! The theme for the day was connecting with each other. They definitely connected, just not what we had in mind. At one point, John passed out magazines and scissors and told the boys to find a picture to cut out and then we were going to share with each other why we choose the picture. I was out of the room when he did this. I was going after ice for one of the boy’s jaw that got hit during a game that went well for the first 30 seconds and then disintegrated into mayhem. Anyway, by the time I got back, the boys had torn the magazines to shreds and were using the scissors as swords.
When the very long hour and a half was over we took the boys out to meet their caregivers. The counselor who set this group up for us exclaimed, “Oh my, I didn’t realize you had all of those boys.” What she didn’t say (but what I surmised from conversations I had with the boys) was that each of these boys spends more time in the principal’s office than they do in their classrooms.
The good news in all of this? John is going to a training in New Jersey on Tuesday and he is going to learn how to keep these boys from killing each other. The bad news? He is going to be gone on Wednesday which means unless we hire someone by then I’ll have these little guys all by myself this week. I am praying for a foot of snow.
Now to the book that I read last week, S’more than Camp— A guide for camp counselors and the rest of the world about kids, camp, and working with each other by Scott Arizala. Scott has a lot of good ideas about interacting with children. It’s not as organized a book as I would like and I have to keep going back over it but no matter what page I choose there are words of wisdom. For example page 80. “Don’t talk about the rules. Ask about what we should be doing; ask what we should remember or what the rules are; ask why or how come; restate everything in the positive.” For example: me--"What are you suppose to doing?" boy: "Not hitting Tommy." me--"Right, we are suppose to give each other their personal space. What guideline is that?" boy--"Number three." Me--"exactly. Why do we have guideline number 3?" boy--"So no one gets hurt." Me--"I wonder what you could do to help you remember to give Tommy his personal space..." As you can see, this takes alot more energy than saying "You are breaking rule number three. Stop hitting Tommy and go sit in the chair," but it can be much more effective and it teaches them problem solving and helps them become internally motivated instead of externally motivated.
The overall theme of the book is “meet kids where they are. Work to gain their perspective and respect what they think, feel and say.”
I forget this a lot. It is easy to remember when I am reading the book but when I have seven boys kicking and pushing I forget to think of their perspective, what is going on in their lives. As one of the boys was getting into his car, the counselor explained that his dad is in prison and mom is in jail awaiting trial. Grandma just recently died so he is living with an uncle.
Each one of our boys has a similar story. It helps me when I remember their perspective. The boys may act up every time we are together, but there is a reason for it. They feel as though they have no control over their lives and for the most part they are right. They are trying to gain some control somewhere and pushing and shoving makes them feel a little in control of something.
I might not be able to do anything about their behavior but maybe it is enough just to show up every week. Maybe it is enough to be one positive adult in their lives who doesn’t abandom them through incarceration or death. I can continue to learn behavior management, but meanwhile I’ll try just to be present and patient; to listen and learn what their perspective is and maybe help them find positive ways to control a piece of their life.
When the very long hour and a half was over we took the boys out to meet their caregivers. The counselor who set this group up for us exclaimed, “Oh my, I didn’t realize you had all of those boys.” What she didn’t say (but what I surmised from conversations I had with the boys) was that each of these boys spends more time in the principal’s office than they do in their classrooms.
The good news in all of this? John is going to a training in New Jersey on Tuesday and he is going to learn how to keep these boys from killing each other. The bad news? He is going to be gone on Wednesday which means unless we hire someone by then I’ll have these little guys all by myself this week. I am praying for a foot of snow.
Now to the book that I read last week, S’more than Camp— A guide for camp counselors and the rest of the world about kids, camp, and working with each other by Scott Arizala. Scott has a lot of good ideas about interacting with children. It’s not as organized a book as I would like and I have to keep going back over it but no matter what page I choose there are words of wisdom. For example page 80. “Don’t talk about the rules. Ask about what we should be doing; ask what we should remember or what the rules are; ask why or how come; restate everything in the positive.” For example: me--"What are you suppose to doing?" boy: "Not hitting Tommy." me--"Right, we are suppose to give each other their personal space. What guideline is that?" boy--"Number three." Me--"exactly. Why do we have guideline number 3?" boy--"So no one gets hurt." Me--"I wonder what you could do to help you remember to give Tommy his personal space..." As you can see, this takes alot more energy than saying "You are breaking rule number three. Stop hitting Tommy and go sit in the chair," but it can be much more effective and it teaches them problem solving and helps them become internally motivated instead of externally motivated.
The overall theme of the book is “meet kids where they are. Work to gain their perspective and respect what they think, feel and say.”
I forget this a lot. It is easy to remember when I am reading the book but when I have seven boys kicking and pushing I forget to think of their perspective, what is going on in their lives. As one of the boys was getting into his car, the counselor explained that his dad is in prison and mom is in jail awaiting trial. Grandma just recently died so he is living with an uncle.
Each one of our boys has a similar story. It helps me when I remember their perspective. The boys may act up every time we are together, but there is a reason for it. They feel as though they have no control over their lives and for the most part they are right. They are trying to gain some control somewhere and pushing and shoving makes them feel a little in control of something.
I might not be able to do anything about their behavior but maybe it is enough just to show up every week. Maybe it is enough to be one positive adult in their lives who doesn’t abandom them through incarceration or death. I can continue to learn behavior management, but meanwhile I’ll try just to be present and patient; to listen and learn what their perspective is and maybe help them find positive ways to control a piece of their life.
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